grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
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Become ungovernable.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.