I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂