*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.