*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.


Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back


I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras


I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.


Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day


love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target


GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep


*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*


Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.


HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.