In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
inventing words: clothing
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.