Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
😩😩😩
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals