Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
they split up moments later
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Friends that check up on you >
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.