I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE