@mommajessiec

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

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@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

@Smooheed

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

@YourMomsucksTho

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@mydmac

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space