I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus


Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn


You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.


I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue


making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs


When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.


Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.


I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.


HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space