@torrami My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@mommajessiec I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
You Might Also Like
@torrami 
@Brampersandon_ Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
@noog You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
@Smooheed I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
@KimmyMonte HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
@YourMomsucksTho making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
@Aspersioncast When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
@mydmac Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
@AimeeHelene1 I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
@dafloydsta [date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space