My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
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I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now