A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
so i’m at the stock market right
Mhm.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are