Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
rise and shine we got egg
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.