I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I bet
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.