Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.