Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
You Might Also Like
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.