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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
TRAIN’S HERE
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
good work, everybody
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Lmaoo 😂