Lmaoo 😂
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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
we’re gonna need another temp
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?