When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.