flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.