@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

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@FeralCrone

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

@chuuew

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@RoxyTall

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

@ShutUpThatsWho

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

@Writepop

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.