Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.