My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Sharon I have some bad news
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.