My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I have obtained a hat
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.