If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Owl Sanctuary
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
excuse me
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
this is the best day of my life