Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Good news
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*