I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Last-minute gift idea!