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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
United Steaks of America
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea