Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.