Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.