I feel like one of these would kill a European
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First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive