Everyone is awful in their own special way.
You Might Also Like
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone