that de-escalated quickly
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”