@DaddyJew

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

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@scumbelievable

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

@RickAaron

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@5hael

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

@Owl_Meat

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

@Amiigat

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

@BrettDruck

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@JustMeTurtle

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.