Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys