me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Sharon, call the vet
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone