Sharon, call the vet
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My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up