I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
peak technology
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly