“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Catering service
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.