Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I have questions??
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.