There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!