I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
You Might Also Like
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Anyone want a chair?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared