wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
Now what do I do?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[i arrive in hell]
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
[i arrive in super hell]
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”
2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.