wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Saturday
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”