First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I think the cat got the dog high.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.