I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?