One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?