Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I put the h in mysterious.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
is it earth
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical