Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
![]()
You Might Also Like
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.