My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Smells like a challenge to me
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick