It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?