“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Always…
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
cry laughing at this shit
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
This is me 🤣🤣
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Autocarrot sucks!
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.