“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Favourite diary entry ever
notice
This story is comedy gold 😂
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
birds and squirrels envy us
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Autocarrot sucks!