“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
*Inspirational Tweets*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…