This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me trying to walk in a dream
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm