Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.