“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You Might Also Like
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside