@Wordesse

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

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@Browtweaten

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

@fro_vo

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

@samdunsiger

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@OfficeofSteve

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

@eff_yeah_steph

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

@KevinLSchwartz

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@TheAlexNevil

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?