Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.