@Wordesse

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

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@seamussaid

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@CarolineSiede

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

@cpabry

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

@Cyd10e

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

@thepaulasuzanne

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

@MiddlingMs

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.