I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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