I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You Might Also Like
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
at ease…shoulder.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis