I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth